WoW.

Im really not sure what else would be good to say here. Just wow. All the questions I have been asking in my blog…now seem a little stupid because none of it matters anymore. Its amazing how things change. One day you are struggling trying to do work that is meaningful and creates positive change and the next day you are planning to move and trying to figure out how to get state assistance, just to get by. Its a crazy time that we all live in right now…and the financial stuff? Well clearly I am not the only person with this struggle.  But the rest….though not unique, is to me.

You know what? 90% of the major issues and crisis we deal with in our lives are caused by our own mistakes….I believe that. But I also believe that some mistakes were caused because it was the best we could do at the time. Not all mistakes come from a bad place.  I know mine don’t…if anything they are caused because of my desperate attempt to make things work out for everyone all the time. No one can keep that pace…myself included. It essentially led me to my downfall, and now I am looking at starting over, completely…and honestly? I dont know what that means yet…and its going to be awhile before I do.

For now though, I am counting my blessings…and those blessings are my family and close friends. In a week or so, I will be moving in with one of those family members. I hate that I have to put them out, inconvenience them because of my own mistake. But, they are good people and know the heart of the matter. Those are the people that know that no matter what is said around, and about me….as a result of these issues….that I am a good person who tries very hard to do things right, and well….and that there are 2 sides to every story. They are the people who will still be by my side supporting me…when others who I thought cared about me, are long gone….and dirtying the water even farther.

No one is perfect. No one even should be. But we learn…try to mend what was mistaken and start fresh. Thats the best any of us can do anyway, right?

I feel bad, in general. But I also feel I want to keep trying to be the person I want to be. I dont think I want to be super woman anymore…it didnt work out, and maybe that was my very big sign? God trying to tell me it wasnt working out…big message. But maybe I am stubborn and dont hear things easily?

Either way…today I am in the process of losing everything.  But I have a support system. I accept the situation…and maybe tomorrow (though not literally tomorrow), I can pick up and start over. 

I guess thats all for now.

What?? Where!?

It really just seemed like that was the right title for this one. Why? How…anyway.

Its nearly Christmas. I think that is a good thing. The spirit is good, the meaning is wonderful and inspiring, the reality and what we have made of it today, not so much. As you know, I work with children, mostly who come from families who are struggling all year around (not just Christmas) and today 2 of the kids broke my heart…which says a lot because I have seen some really horrible stuff.

Anyway, I was sitting in my office today…stressed out, boring on an ulcer and major heart burn. I was really just trying to get everything done so I could get the heck out of there sooner to start my holiday break, pronto. You know those days when you feel like you have taken everything you are able to…the mood is getting very testy…and even dropping a paper clip to the floor becomes a tragedy of majestic proportions…this was me today!

But back to the story…I was sitting at my desk barely able to continue functioning when I hear….”Miss Courtney? Are you in there somewhere?” So I stepped up and walked into the main office to see who was calling me…almost aggrevated because of getting interrupted, again! And there were two kids I enrolled into our program a few months ago. Today we will call them Jon and Jane…identical twins about 8 years old. I smiled when I saw them, because thats what you do. Let me give you a little background on these two….they live in the area, have been shuffled around through way too many foster homes, at least two of which they experienced very traumatic abuse. This week they just entered a new foster home because a family member recently told them (yes told the kids) that they were worthless because they were going to turn out just like their parents (both incarcerated). Both kids…amazingly resilient. I cant even imagine going through some of the things they have, and still walk into a room with a bright smile and the most contagious laughs. Yes they are a little ornery, but all in good spirit. They have both told me on several occassions that they are going to make it “big” because of their ability to laugh and make others laugh. I believe it too!
So Jon and Jane came to my office for 1 reason. They made up a Christmas song….and wanted to perform the song and dance they made up, for me. It was so awesome. I tried not to get teary, but did anyway. I laughed, I cried…then they gave me a hug and said they wanted to get me a really cool present for helping them, but since they didnt have any money they decided to make me a song.  I was really and truly touched in a way that I havent been in a long time. Those little pumperknickles reminded me of why I believe in doing service that changes how kids grow up.

I just got a little teary telling this story, And I know I didnt even do it justice!

I know my blog title has nothing at all to do with this story. But like I said, it seemed like it should come next. And because I have been really struggling lately, I thought I would post something that inspired me!

Happy Holidays to my Friends!

The Hows

Well, my last entry was The Whys…so it really made sense for my next one to the the HOWs. Somehow that seems more proactive anyway.

I think that my most recent blogs have been kind of on the negative side. For one thing, I dont usually feel inspired to write much when I am super duper happy. But secondly…hey Im trying to be more proactive here….sheesh!

Nothing has changed for the better since my last blog. In fact, something that really scared me has come to pass…so I guess technically it has gotten worse. But oddly, now that its worse. I have NO time to wonder why…or do the woh as me thing. Now I have to do whatever it takes to make it. There simply is no alternative. Well I guess there is an alternative, card board boxes are an option of sorts. Not one that I want to consider, though.

So I dont have time to worry about why good things dont always happen when I need them. But instead its a HOW CAN I SURVIVE and someday prosper? Ok, so I dont actually know the answer to that question. One day at a time I guess. Id like to say WHEN WHEN WHEN will this get better. But The Whens, I suppose has to be a future entry. (haha…little joke to myself).

How will I manage this cold and holiday season? Im thinking of going green. No, not Kermit style. But I am thinking of some very re-useable gifts, cards and decorations. Maybe it will even be fun to put them together. Something new and creative. Maybe I can set an example because God knows I am not the only person with this struggle right now. And I fear it will only get much worse, before it comes close to getting better. I am NOT alone. But dang it, sometimes it really feels like it. Or maybe I wish it…no no I dont want to be by myself all the time…a hermit. But I wish that this struggle was only my own. Its so much harder when everyone else is struggling at the same time.

OK OK….back to proactive.

Hmmmm

Well in 2 days, tomorrow will be yesterday!

The Why(s)

Its a rough day when you have to find time to ask the “why” questions. You know what I mean. Its they WHY me? WHY today? WHY huh?

I think its safe to say that I am not having a good year. That is not to say there have not been handfuls of good things to happen. But my big picture isn’t so great right now. That of course is the great thing about blogs. I can vent and dwell, then return to my normal life as the “focused, confident, competent professional” me. Make no sense yet?

Well, I am finding lately that everytime I open my email or check my voicemail, my heart sinks a little more. There are too many people counting on me and I can’t seem to dig far enough, should loud enough, uncover that golden ring. I know there is supposedly a “support team” out there for me. But Im not getting what I need from them. I dont know if that is my fault, or theirs. But at this point, that much is probably irrelevant. I am on the cliff….lemmings please don’t follow me. People are going to let down and disappointed when they wake up one day and realize that something they counted on, and didnt even know it…is no longer there.

So my life mission is currently changing–I am transitioning from CHANGE AGENT–to make the bad stuff less bad, agent. I dont know what happened to make this big change. Ok that is not entirely honest. I do know, but I am not a person who puts out blame statements. They dont really matter anyway. And to blame would remove responsibility from me. I do accept responsibility for some things. I am only human afterall…of course I make mistakes. BUT! I do NOT make mistakes out of maliciousness and I do NOT make mistakes out of laziness. I DO make mistakes when I am pushed too hard or if some of the information in front of me is false. Just like everyone does. But I have made decisions on what I have known and what I felt the best at the time. Im not sure everyone can say that.

Ya know…the WHY questions are really a waste of my time. Maybe I should replace them with HOW questions, cause ultimately they are more productive. At least then they are action oriented.

I am very stressed and a lot of people (ALOT) of people are counting on me to fix everything and I am not sure that I can. Not because of who I am…but the world situation being what it is, it may just not be able to happen. ALOT of people are counting on me to show strength and be that CHANGE AGENT that maybe I dont feel in my heart anymore. Maybe it is stress and disappointment that is hurting my heart. But I guess those things do not really matter either. This situation is what it is–this situation.

Sometimes we ask ourselves…

How did we get here? Ok…I guess I am just asking MYSELF how did I get here. I have tried really hard to make good choices. Choices not just to benefit myself but to benefit others and my community. I have been committed and passionate. But obviously not well informed.

For 3 years I have been putting my heart and soul into a mission in which I truly believe. I have tried very hard not to let people down, but to make a positive difference. There have been BIG struggles, as it is always a struggle to do community work with insufficient funds. I have needed to count on, or rely on a team of supporters. They have clearly not been as committed to the cause as I have. Perspectives differed in any case. Not maliciously so, though, however.

Bottom line, how did I get here does not speak to a feeling of awe, splendor, or wonder. It is a fear. How could I have my heart in the right place and it not work out? Or worse that I could be personally liable for things. I couldnt and cant be wonder woman (too bad though cause she was always my favorite). And I am soon going to pay for that, and worse…others will be hurt too.

How did I get here refers to the error in thinking in day to day decisions and not having time OR SUPPORT to be the big vision person required. I dont feel positive or optimistic today. I feel frustrated, but determined to keep fighting. The mission is what it is about, and I cant let that down. Its something I live by. Dont say it, I am NOT being a Martyr…but someone has to take responsibility. Obviously no one else is going to…and I cant let others not receive what they are due.

Sounds like jabber babble? Yea it does. It is what it is. Ok…Im resigning for tonight!

ok so birthdays.

Yes normally I wouldnt write a blog twice in one week…but this week is special, or something. Its my birthday. Yay Happy Birthday to me! I realize of course that most of my readers (ie Mandy) couldnt possibly have picked up the sarcasm that was intended there. Its not that I worry about getting older…time lost, etc…or think about all the things I should have done. Its really not that.

Its more about wondering how much I have grown, and a little sadness about the fact that I have NO BIRTHDAY PLANS. Actually worse than that, no one even invited me to have birthday plans. I know, most of my friends have families and careers and lives of their own. I shouldnt feel sad that sometimes people dont have time for me. I means its not THEIR job to entertain me. Yes that was somewhat melodramatic. But what I am trying to say is that because I dont fit the mold of what “should be” at my age. I often feel a little left out and not included…because I dont share many of the things in their circles.

Can people have midlife crisis when they turn 32? Does that mean I will only live to see 64? (Ok that last part was a joke).

No more writing for me tonight LOL

So here I am…

Hmm, I have never blogged before. But I just read through a friend of mine’s…and it seemed, well cathartic. So I am going to try.

Let me first say…I am a 31 year old, fiercely independent (then obviously) single woman. No children, but I do have cats…and if I hear one more “cat woman” joke, I may have to open a can of…ok never mind that. Seriously though…for most of my life I have tied success and professional achievement with my “ideal happiness.” But before you say anything, yes I have come to realize that that is more than a little neurotic and probably sets me up for all sorts of disappointment.

Ok so…after graduating from college, I really thought that the true measurement of my success was to go far away and make a name for myself. I mean seriously, who could really be successful in Ohio? So I went to Chicago for some school, fell in love…had my heart broken…..went to Boston for some more school…fell in love again. This time I actually started to envision 2.5 kids, a white picket fence…a dog, a cat…and probably a fish. Weird. For 4 years we lived this dream, planning for our future…honestly I couldnt have been happier, or so I thought. It was the little things really. A family emergency here….someone needs me there and soon I started feeling like maybe I am not the priority I thought I was. Why was someone else’s situations always more important than me. I had to understand though, right? I had to make allowances, right? But when is enough, enough? I guess that was when I started re-reading my journals (yes I have kept journals since I was in 2nd grade) and reading the same heart break over and over and over…I started realizing, yes I WAS putting my whole heart into him and into our future, but he WASNT. Surprisingly I have nothing negative to say about him. He was and is a wonderful man, but sometimes that isnt enough. Thus my life’s biggest heartache. Guys who have cheated….nope never hurt me as badly as this one.

When this relationship was ending, I think its safe to say that I had lost all my groundings. I had no idea what to do…I tried to rebuild some of my life. I even dated a little, though I ended up hurting someone else because I so wasn’t ready for that committment. Bottom line, when we need to feel safe, we go home…and that is what I did.

Back to NW Ohio…to spoil my neices and nephews…to focus on rebuilding my life. Some things have worked out okay. I love my family and its awesome to be able to share. But now, 3 years later…I am starting to ask myself some serious questions…

1. What is the measurement of my personal success?
2. Am I happy?
3. What am I working toward?
4. Am I satisfied?
5. Do I have a future on this particular track?

This is where my confusion comes in…The answers to each of my questions is a simple “I dont KNOW!” And as a result, I am currently kind of at a loss. I am 31 years old…and have less direction than I had at 20…weird. I could use some guidance.

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